As you prepare for adult life I would like to offer my observations on what helps make a marriage a fulfilling experience. Statistics suggest that half of all American marriages end in divorce. This is a bit misleading because they include multiple marriages and divorces by the same people. Consequently, some couples will divorce several times and others never. Regardless, it is an astonishing amount of failures, and no matter how it may otherwise be portrayed, it is an incredibly large number of broken hearts. Why does this occur so frequently, and what may be done to improve the situation?

It is essential that love be present in a marriage but unless it is lived in a practical way, it will eventually bring chaos and sorrow in to your life. By doing loving things, your life will be filled from top to bottom with love. Be clear concerning what you think love is. A few of the important things for you to consider is love is kind; it is gentle, patient, persistent and faithful. When you express these qualities toward your chosen mate, you are acting in a loving manner, and when you do not you are not. Love is not simply saying so, it is acting so. Each time you act in a loving fashion toward your spouse, you have imbued your marriage with love.

There are steps you may take, if you wish, to understand why some marriages succeed while others fail. It is always helpful to consider the reasons you decided to enter the union of marriage. What do you want, and are your expectations practical? If the marriage is entered in to satisfy your short term needs, it is unlikely to last after they are met. If the marriage is to fulfill your fantasies it is likewise unlikely to succeed. You should dream dreams, and have high hopes before entering in to any marriage but you should at the same time be willing to surrender your preoccupation with yourself. It is not only important that your marriage be “give and take” but to insure success, it must be much more than that. Each party is an individual but each partner should value, and take an interest in the other’s individuality. It is not sufficient to simply allow your partner their own individuality, you do not own it, it is not yours to allow. You need to take an interest in your spouse, in his or her interests, ambitions, joys and fears. In short, the individuality of each of you must include the needs of the other. This is not simply respecting the needs of each, but when necessary, to inspire, advise or simply comfort one another. Frequently you may feel you are giving all of your time to the needs of your spouse but if there is mutual devotion it will even out eventually. Like a clock that keeps time by the pendulum swinging equal distances from the center, and not remaining on middle ground all of the time, life is the same where balance is kept by movement from one side of the midpoint to the other in equal distances from the center. In this way part of the time the focus is on you, part of the time on your spouse, and in the long term; in the presence of love it will eventually become equal.

Shared interests are helpful but shared responsibilities are essential to a successful marriage. There are many things in a marriage that should be done together, not for efficiency but for the closeness it promotes. This is not that you should alternate who does what but you should be doing them together, at the same time. Many chores fall in to this category, and although it seems inefficient to do them together, little is as efficient in bringing a shared sense of accomplishment. When your chores are shared, a sense of closeness will result rather than one of resentment. As in most things, speed and volume should be secondary to quality and satisfaction. When a couple is fixed on results instead of the process, they will have missed living together in the moment. As a consequence, the results will not include the joy and closeness a life of shared experience makes possible.  Surprise each other continuously with random acts of kindness. It is endearing and will add immeasurably to preserving the youth in your marriage.

Discuss your point of view but never defend it. A lifetime without convictions, even opinions, is not much of a life. However, the way in which you live is the only defense you will ever need. Nothing you have to say to your spouse will speak more loudly, eloquently and convincingly of your convictions than your behavior does. Think, each time you have defended yourself against what you see as a threat or misunderstanding you have often acted aggressively. Your mate is neither your adversary, nor your competitor, and you should never treat them as such. Explanation is often helpful while convincing is simply manipulative. Respect and admire your life partner, never deride, demean or trivialize their views.

If one word can describe what is essential for a life lived in union with another it would be priority. Day to day living is often a challenge, and the only thing that will steady the ship of marriage in a turbulent sea is priority. Challenges will arise when least expected, and without a set of guiding priorities for stability, they may overwhelm you. As in all other things, that which tests you will often be disguised and hidden from view. It will frequently sneak up upon you when you are least prepared. So many things in life weigh down upon a marriage, without priorities, it is at risk of collapse under the incredible load. There is no avoiding the fact, frequently the storms of marital discord arrive upon the winds of financial differences. Money is not an unimportant consideration in life but if it is probably not the reason you married, and it should have a lower priority than those for which you did. Further, never forget, being right will never justify being unkind to one another. Think; which is the more appropriate expression of love, being right or being kind? In life, your ego will always compete to advance itself to the top of your list of priorities. It will often do so completely outside of your awareness. This is not your failure but your challenge, and you may never completely overcome your ego. Your distinctiveness is who you are, and your ego is the motor that that drives your individuality. How you choose to spend this energy is what will insure your success or failure. How well you channel your ego will gage your success, but how often you try will be the measure of your character.

Children may enter your marriage but remember they are your shared treasure. Caring for them requires an unimaginable amount of work which for a while will seem daunting. They will heap joys and sorrows upon you both of you but never lose your priorities, and the need to nourish your marriage. In times of trial, the union will be your refuge, your sword, and your shield as well. Your children will add to the joy of your marriage but should never take priority over it. To ignore your responsibilities to each other, under the added strain of raising your children, would be like throwing away your tools because you do not want your hands occupied.  You may find your hands free to do the job but you will no longer have the tools to do it well. Further, to neglect your marriage while raising your children would be comparable to using your furniture fire wood to warm your house. When you are done your house will again be cold but it will no longer be functional.

Your mom and I have been married for 40 years, and if we are fortunate we will spend many more together. Although we have overcome much that would have torn us apart, we still work at those things that bind us. As I said before, life together is a continuous process, it is lived every day; it is a voyage that has no destination. All that is of value is in the journey itself, and it is experienced moment by moment. So, as you consider marriage, if you consider marriage, think on this, love is all there is, but if not expressed in a loving way, it will find no permanent home in your affairs.

Love,

Dad

What have we done for that for which we pray? Do we pray to be channels of blessings to others or simply that they are blessed? This is an important distinction, for if we are not willing to be a part of the blessing why then should we expect an all loving God to be? The benevolent forces in the universe are willing, even eager to participate in blessings but we are out of accord with them when we are not equally so. If we pray to He who is loving kindness to use us as a blessing to someone, we should be doing something to be useful. Is our faith such that we need some sort of assurance that our prayers are heard, and will be acted upon, or do we dare to act in full faith that we will be guided by the hand of Infinite Tenderness. We need not qualify for what we pray but we must at least be willing to be part of the blessing. To think we must have the answer before we ask the question is an abandonment of faith. If we are unwilling to lend our self to the process because we do not yet have the answer, we may likewise be unwilling to become a part of the answer ourselves.  

There are times where we cannot take direct action but that does not mean we cannot act usefully. When we pray for the healing of others, how healing have our actions become? Have we become so preoccupied with results of our actions that we give too little attention to process? Have speed and volume become so important to us that we sacrifice quality? Do we take the time to uplift those around us or are we too busy? We may not be able to reach around the globe to directly touch someone with whom we are concerned. However, we certainly can act in such a way that our loving kindness may be used by an all loving God, quickened, enlarged, and poured out upon those for whom we pray. In this way we may be a willing participant in their healing, and not simply a spectator.  

We are imperfect beings of limited compassion but how much more will we assist our children when they just try? Our precious Lord is perfect, possessed of limitless compassion, how will He respond when, we as His children just try? Our Lord, in His infinite mercy, has chosen not to simply make a blessing but to make a blessing of us.

The fruits of the spirit (love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and persistence) come from within us, and do not depend upon external conditions for their presence in our lives. How we perceive the world around us should in no way change how we view our relationship with all that is good. We often know we should return selfishness with generosity, fear with faith and hate with kindness. The greatest danger we all face is, in a hostile environment, is becoming indifferent to the fear and suffering of those around us. For, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. We are either doing good or we are not, there is no middle ground. An indifferent heart cannot do good, it cannot respond to conditions surrounding it, and it cannot react to suffering. A misguided soul can be inspired, taught, it can be turned around, while an indifferent one can only be endured.

What difference can a single aspiring soul make? All the difference ever needed. One person can change the world around them, and in an entire lifetime, if we can change only one person, we have justified our entire life. The noblest goal any of us can have is to make the world around us a better place, to live in such a way that even the elements of the earth will find our gentle loving kindness irresistible. We do not depend upon others to enable us to live a life of loving kindness; this is an internal matter where we commit our physical, mental and spiritual selves to live with each other in greater harmony. When we look outside of our self for positive reinforcement or for approval, we have already begun our own defeat.  

To make a difference in a hostile environment we must begin with an attitude of compassion. Every day upon arising we should inspect our self to ensure we do not leave our sense of compassion asleep in our bed. Then, if we live the day motivated by compassion, it will have been a good day regardless of how others seem to respond. Compassion is the single most important attitude to foster toward others, and the only one that will steady us in a changing and often tumultuous world. It will nourish an aspiring soul and fuel a loving heart. Compassion is the fertile field from which loving kindness grows unimpeded.   

Let us each resolve to be compassionate, to be kind, to be gentle, and to change the world around us, one person at a time…

However, a certain stage in creation, God imbued us with free will or better described as will essence. The ability to choose is not will essence but an application of it. It is the ability to become self-aware and to recreate our self in an infinite variety of forms. This single creative component is what defines us and makes it possible to, through experiencing our self to become one with our Lord. Or to be conscious of our self and know we are one with our God. Although we have no beginning, our will essence does. In this way we were endowed with the potential to become one with our Lord; everything to become something, so that something may become everything.

To know our self as we are destined to we must experience creation as our self. We must recreate or replicate our self throughout creation. This can only be accomplished through experience, so our mission is, through experience, is to become aware of our self and to express our self in an endless variety of forms.

When we avoid situations because they are difficult, because they are distasteful or seemingly impossible, we squander our destiny. Creation is a gift, placed before us, so we may grow through experience to know our self to be our self and one with that infinite-tender-loving-kindness we all God.

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If we look toward what we know of he who arose on the original Easter morning, let us consider the lessons our Lord imparted to us, personally. First, he never said we need to be right about anything. He did say we needed to be kind to everyone. Our Lord never said we needed treat anyone fairly, but he did say we needed to be forgiving and gracious toward everyone. It is widely held that He said we should love our enemies, so why not begin by stopping hating them. Of those we are critical why not simply forgive and move on? Is this not more consistent with what we know of the life of our Jesus? Let us for a time not complicate life by analyzing why we may feel critical, even hostile toward others. Instead let us recognize when we are out of accord with the spirit of forgiveness, and turn to embrace it mightily.

For each of us forgiveness can be our resurrection; the rebirth of loving kindness in our daily affairs. In the reawakening of forgiveness, the judgment, the criticism, and the animosity will fall away, while love and tenderness will, of natural consequence pour in to replace them. This can be the beginning of our rebirth, our own Easter morning.

It is in our daily doings, which are not as simple and trivial as we sometimes believe them to be, that we are born again. It is in a life of forgiveness, of kindness we are reborn and such a life is lived one moment at a time. If we fail in one moment we need only to begin in the next. Today is the promise of he who is the embodiment of loving kindness, so let us fill it with forgiveness. In our tenderness, in our grace we awaken in ourselves the promise of Easter morning.  

Are we more concerned with how we appear to others than to our-self? Do we feel little disappointment when we fail to follow through with our commitments once they become difficult or unattractive? One thing is certain, and that is circumstances will change. However, if we strive for a life lived honorably, we are expected to hold fast to our word, and not abandon our commitments. Consistency must come in to our lives not by circumstances but by how we respond to them. Stability begins with each of us, and chaotic lives are the result of how we respond to changing circumstances.  It is not that we should resist change but certainly we can keep our commitments in a changing environment.

How we feel about ourselves is basic to our world view. With diminished self-respect, everything we touch, all of our activities will be so affected. Because we can for a time disguise our shortcomings we place ourselves at risk of requiring less from ourselves. However a loss of self-respect will inevitably cause us to lose respect for the people and situations in our life. A carpenter, a good carpenter first acquires skills, then tools comparable to his or her abilities, and finally materials of equal quality. If the carpenter begins to take short cuts, rushes or pays insufficient attention to the job at hand, that which is produced will surely be inferior. Life is the same, if we hold to high personal standards, acquire the ability to apply them in a changing environment, and keep our focus on the process, the result will certainly not disappoint us. If we do not we will spend our time convincing ourselves and others what we did “was good enough.”

Every day is an opportunity to meet a changing world on our own terms. Let us resolve to keep our standards high, to focus entirely on the process and to say, “I will because I promised to do so.”

Once we have fully accepted our self we will no longer be in danger of pretending to be what we are not simply to gain the approval of others. There is far more value in who we are than who can pretend to be. There is no change we can embrace that will make any difference to us unless we first fully accept ourselves as we are. Once we have accepted ourselves exactly the way we are, the changes we seek will enlarge rather than transform us.  

Let us imagine ourselves flying in a small plane, just a few feet above the ground, traveling up a very steep mountain. Every time we look out of the window the ground is the same distance below us as it was before. After a while we think our motion is really forward instead of upward. However, only once we have passed the peak of the mountain, and the ground beneath us drops away, will we have an appreciation for how high we have climbed. Adopting an attitude of self-acceptance is similar to this, and once we have integrated this in to our value system, we will see how truly high we have risen in life. Only then will we be able to make objective decisions in what we wish to add to who we already are.  

Excessive self-consciousness is so confining an attitude, it is a wonder anyone would choose it. It is a life lived in the shadows of fear and doubt. Additionally, living in the fear of insufficiency, casts a shadow on everything in our life. As a result we never rise above the mountain top to see how high we have really come.  

By practicing self-acceptance we will find who we are not will be of little importance to any of us. We can choose the lightness that comes with a more wholesome attitude, and as a result we will illuminate much of what we encounter. There is nowhere we need to go or any great acts we will need to perform in order to accept our own uniqueness. We need only to choose and to keep on choosing. When we step from the shadows of self-consciousness everything in our life will bask in the new found light that has been patiently waiting for us all the time.  

We are holy beyond anything we can possibly imagine. Our consciousness, which is not perceptible to our physical organs, has absorbed our material bodies, and in this way our soul possesses our body. There will come a time when our consciousness takes leave of matter, releasing its hold upon the physical elements, and move on about its business. In this way we will continue to grow with every new experience. We are not yet compete, and because eternity has no end, we will experience reality endlessly; growing forever.

What have we done today? Where have we avoided involvement in our own life? We are not meant simply to be an observer in our own life but a participant. It is for the experience we were born in flesh and blood, it was for the experience we ever took on matter, and it is to experience today we awoke this morning. All of the events of this day have been ordered for us to experience, thus we surrender our reason for being when we avoid them. Some of our experiences are difficult, some easy, some painful, and some pleasant; they are all there for an aspiring soul, our soul to experience. Contrary to our fears, there is no right way or wrong way to experience our day. However, the outcome will depend on how we choose to act on these experiences. So long as we wholly experience ourselves, we will grow immeasurable.

Today is a gift from God with which we may recreate our self in a variety of ways. Shall we seize the moment or surrender to our fear. We are bigger than any challenge we can face, we are citizens of the universe, the eternal children on Infinite Loving Kindness, what have we to fear from life?

How we speak out, or what we say must reflect our own highest values. We are of little help when we are so forceful as to become overbearing. Yet we are not helpful when our self-consciousness obscures our message. The mind will only reason that for which the heart has prepared it to do, therefore we must appeal to both. If our conversation contains excessive logic, no matter how it appeals to us, it may not be received in the spirit we hope for. If we appeal only to the heart, our argument may well appear overly sentimental therefore impractical. To be well received, whatever we choose to say should contain equal amounts of emotion and reason. 

Who is responsible for addressing a wrong? Simply those who see it and understand it is wrong. Shall we hide behind respect for the privacy of others? Is it helpful to not consider all concerned need our help? If we leave others to do wrong because “it is none of our business,” what regard does this show for them; what regard does it show for their victims? It may occur to us that being an example is the best way to speak out. It often is, providing we are truly one. Yet at times for the good of all concerned we must directly address the issues. The extent of our intervention will invariably demonstrate our regard for everyone concerned. 

When next we see a wrong let us in patience each respond to it thoughtfully. When we place our head upon our pillow at the end of the day may we be able to say, “I met my responsibilities today to those the Lord has entrusted in to my care.”

We are not part of the world we observe, but instead it is in fact part of us. We internalize everything we find, and it is there we evaluate and digest what is happening. Objectivity is a matter of observing life, not as others do, but simply honestly; while understanding what is clear to us may not be objective to someone else internalizing the same reality. When we meet the world we are in fact meeting ourselves, for it is within the confines of our hearts and minds we spend our intellect and emotions. Here, in the world within, what have we to fear? What have we to hide? Who is our enemy and who is our friend?  

When we seek the approval of others it may well be because we have not first given it to our self. Likewise, when we fear their rejection it may also be because we have not yet fully accepted or approved of our self. We may find the further we are from self-acceptance, the greater the degree of internal conflict, and the more bizarre our conduct tends to become. This is an interesting form of behavior from one who meets the world upon the secure and hallowed ground of his or her own consciousness. Consequently, where we see disapproval, condemnation and rejection in the world, we see only our self.  

The good news is that by changing our self we do indeed change the world around us. By being honest with ourselves, we will inevitably be honest with all of those we interact. By self-acceptance we will have created a hospitable environment in which to express ourselves. We can begin to make these changes at this very moment, in patience, in persistence we will perfect the art of self-acceptance, of honesty and of clarity. Lao-Tzu once noted, “The longest journey begins with the first step.” It is the journey itself that should capture our hearts and not the destination.